my parents were lovers once

he
pressed his lips into her cheek.
smelled her.
Believed
greenish blue scent
existed.
she
grazed his hand.
Understood
infinity.

they
buried hearts
deeply into the other
and
waited for spring.

then
i
had come.

by then
the soil froze
ontop.
thick layers.
concrete,
unbreakable.

i
rose
crooked
through
concrete

head
like trigger
aimed at
lovers
since.

Mindful

i will be mindful.

i will think of you whenever i
fuck another
and cry you are not there to
watch.

i will find you
in your weakest moment
when your kneecaps are blown out
and you’ve fallen down three flights of stairs
your face bludgeoned twice
by each step
bring you one bandaid
and smile.

i will eat your heart medium rare
boil your fingers, bone in, as stock
add butter and flour to make
roux for gravy.

though you are not here now,
i remember.
mindful.

My Aunt's Visit

She looked at me with sad,
pity-filled eyes,
the ones you give
small children who lose their parents in
the mall.
Light streaked dirty brown faces,
lollipop in one hand,
sticky, snot soaked sleeves…
She looked at me.

“Oh, how you’ve grown…”

Her eyes said
you
who grew up without your mother…
you
still look normal.

Normal. Like
I ran away from home
at age 6 because
Grandma didn’t let me spend my New Years money
and who was she? Not my mother
to keep me from spending
10,000 wons on candy.

Normal. Like
that day I was so angry, I became a grown up
and needed to
get the hell outta there.

Normal. Like
I caught a cab.
“How old are you? Where are you going?” the man asked.
“Six. My mother’s.
It’s between piggie supermarket
and a large white house”
He didn’t know where that was.
Ignorant man.
“You don’t know what city and street?”
He asked.
“You don’t know what city and street?”I asked back.

We finally found it. I remembered
the name of the rotisserie chicken place
beside it and he knew of it.

I got out, paid him. Thanked him.
I found my mother’s home. The same piggie mart.
Large white house beside it.

And she had moved,
The neighbor said.

When my father left my mother,
I blamed him for finding new love.

My mother,
she saw
my father in
my eyes.

could not forget…

betrayal.
how it
doesn’t end
where
it starts.

She packed a few things in a paper shopping bag.
She said, “Visit your cousins on your father’s side
once more. You will miss them,” with a smile, she said this.

And it wasn’t a
visit.
It was a
stay.

And from cousin’s house to cousin’s house
to grandma’s house, I moved
while my mother
moved.
Away from the piggie mart.

Normal.

She looked at me with those sad, pity-filled eyes..
“Oh, how you’ve grown….”

miss you.

a little.

like I knew a song by heart
then
woke and couldn’t remember
at all
even

how to
sing.

War

there was a war.

it began in my mind,
the words of my mother
“a lady is only a lady if she is chaste”
the battle cry.

i
am
a
lady.

i know i’m supposed to
wait
hold out
cherish
forbid
pray
keep

my knees
tight.

there was a war.

it continued on my body.
the words of you,
my lover.
“you’re beautiful.
you’re mine…”

yours?
beautiful?

as you grazed my lips with yours
a battle was lost.
lady slipped,
retreated
as you
planted kisses into
my neck, breast, belly.

“wait, wait. i can’t… i ummm… shouldn’t…”

lady gains ground.
you send in reinforcments.
“i love you. i want to be inside you..”
love? me?
so it continues.

i cannot
resist
the taste of your
skin
sweat

you
are deep.

saltysweetsmooth.

i cannot
resist
the sound of your breathing

cannot fight
this war waged on
my mind
consumed
by you who
with each
stroke,
blow
conquer me
whole.
as you offer up your
soul…

a cigarette burns in darkness.
red glowing.

Aftermath.

Where is the Line?

I cut out half of my heart and half of yours.
We went down the street,
sold it,
bought an eightball.

I pawned your voice, I sheared my hair.
They threw in a little extra.
It was worth the few lines.

All night long,
happily, I enjoyed the spoils
but as it ran low
I ran lower,
Sunk deeper.

You mouthed, “Wanna go get more?”
“Uh-Huh.”
I left.
Found it.
“I’d like it, but I haven’t much to offer..”I
I began to tell them.
“An ear, some change…”

Their eyes drifted over my body.

Then
Finally,

“If you suck my dick…”
“Eww. You’re gross,”

I came home.
“What happened, baby?” you asked.
“He said to suck his… I didn’t. I didn’t get any.”

You raised a brow. ”We got morals, you know…”
“I know” I said.
You wrote on my breasts with your pretty fingers.
I kissed you.
We cuddled.
Couldn’t sleep
For days.

Walk-Ins

I didn’t walk.

I caught a cab from work
excited to be early
for dinner
for once.

(You said you were cooking.)

I opened the door.

you

were already eating

(someone)

Not realizing I had walked in

She
screamed your name at the top of her lascivious
lustily
licked
breasts.

I tore out my eyes
Walked away feeling like

I too, had been
Eaten.

Perfect Fit

The boots fit him perfectly,
not too snug,
not too loose,
like they were
tailored and measured
to fit his feet
and only his feet.
Black, leathered—worn at the tips
and a few casual scuffs
at the right places
that let one know

his habits…

the way he sometimes
kicked the street curb
when he got mad
just slightly,
careful not to get it scuffed,

but he did

and perhaps he knew it would.

He knew scars were inevitable.

He told me once
how much those boots
meant to him.

They were a part of him…
“Like the way you are,” he said.

I fit him perfectly,
not too snug,
not too loose,
like I was tailored
and measured
to fit him
and only him…