#Defector

You still sleep with your bedroom door locked

your front door bolted and

Chained
as you are to those memories

how you slept with your most faithful lover (fear).

Tonight
you lie awake with
streams of silver from your lit eyes.
He is still circling just above your head.

Though now,
your belly is thick and full

your lips moist
your head un-cracked

you still remember.

The night he raided your room

sifted the jewel of your body out of your blankets
stripped you
placed bills into your privates, your open mouth,
as you lay on cool concrete floors
speaking gasps like your native tongue.

He asked
"Where were you headed?"

He is smiling.
Crisp. Square. Thick. Solid.
His boots shiny

till the first contact
with your flesh which holds onto each blow like a catcher’s mitt.

An elbow crumbles
your spirited nose line
cracking your face down to your jaw
now unhinged
your mouth gaping open to taste the sour air.

You swear to yourself that
when you open your eyes
you will gather yourself
each piece
and go.

It's just

even after the Leaving
even after you've finally done it and you've finally won
no bolt or lock
can unchain you from his sweat-infused scent,
how it smells of your blood and spit
curdling at the back of your/his throat.

How even now,
each time you try to smile,
the crack beneath the sealed skin still begins
to part.

**

This poem is about North Korean defector and survivor who was caught in China, beaten and raped. It is based on an actual occurrence as described from a KBS documentary.