In the End

it hurts everywhere i cannot touch.
"blue is the color of the day," is it?
then paint me all over.

(you undermine your own ardor.
though mine, too, is
tampered with.)

is it evidence
that we cannot
exist?

your words are
muted.
where your confusion lies,
i make my bed,
lie in it,
wave my arms in circles
looking for you.

you entered me
as gently

as a child opens his melting popsicle
correctly so. though.
wrong flavor.
wrong place.
wrong time.

i'm sorry.
for the roadblocks before us,
but weren't they always there?
why did you dream of me
then share
then let go?

i too, was weary.
i too, was terrified for
knowing.

(i don't know how to want you;
i don't know how not to want you.)

how far should i run
to hide myself
behind the laughter?

begin the transfusion of utter
chaos into my arms and breast
for the times you made me
full from just being?

where were you
when i was able?

my mind is clockwork
still.
it remembers without
knowing.
you.

For Dana Tompkins